


Why Is This Night Different From All Other Nights?

by Lilas (pegasus_01)



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Alexis Rose Being a Good Sister, But she's still a troll, Cooking Shenanigans, David Rose is Jewish, David decides to celebrate a Jewish Holiday and those always involve cooking, M/M, Patrick Brewer loves David Rose, Pesach | Passover, Stevie Budd is a Troll
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:48:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27481483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pegasus_01/pseuds/Lilas
Summary: David Rose had his Bar Mitzvah but he has not celebrated a Jewish holiday since he was 15 years old. This year, he's decided to tackle the hardest one of all: Passover.
Relationships: Patrick Brewer/David Rose
Comments: 19
Kudos: 74





	Why Is This Night Different From All Other Nights?

**Author's Note:**

> Except for the results of last week’s presidential elections (knock on wood), this year has SUCKED for the USA. Discovering Schitt’s Creek made it a lot more tolerable. However, as much as I am absolutely in love with the show, as a Jew, I have but one critique: the utter lack of a Jewish Holiday episode. I was really hoping we’d get something, anything, because every Jew has a million crazy and hilarious stories about shit that has happened during the holidays and the possibilities are endless! But no… Instead they gave us yet _another_ Christmas episode.
> 
> And since I had to cancel my Passover seder this year due to, you know, this tiny little pandemic we’re having, I decided to rectify the show’s error by combining a bunch of my own Passover fails (and a friend’s fail) into a fic! 
> 
> For those who may not be familiar with Passover, it is one of the three most important Jewish holidays (after Rosh Hashanah (new year) and Yom Kippur (day of atonement)). We retell the story of the Exodus when Jews escaped the bonds of slavery and fled from Egypt. Here are a couple of links to the [Wikipedia Passover Seder page](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Passover_Seder) and an article from [the Times](https://time.com/5188494/passover-history-traditions/) explaining what is a Passover seder and how it is conducted. I hope that helps!
> 
> Thanks to Nusuth for the beta and help thinking up Passover fails :) All remaining mistakes are my own!

“We got the rabbi!” Midge Maisel exclaimed from the television set across the living room as she left the butcher’s store and raised her arms victoriously. Patrick smiled both at the theatrics playing out on the television and the solid body next to him that shook with suppressed laughter. 

“That is something my mother would have said. If she cared about religion. And if she were Jewish.” David paused for a second and then chuckled again. “Actually, it wouldn’t surprise me if this was something my Bubba did say at some point in her life.”

Patrick blinked at that and looked down at the disheveled mop of black hair that was his husband as he leaned against his shoulder. “Your who?” he asked as he lifted his hand and pushed the hair back from David’s forehead, the slight pressure pulling his head so it was tilted up and Patrick could look at him properly.

“My dad’s mother,” David said as if this were something Patrick should have known. “She was the religious one of the family. She’s the reason I even had my bar mitzvah.”

Patrick blinked again and couldn’t help but feel a little stupid for having never asked David about this. Other than the Christmas parties that Mr. Rose liked to organize (and that seemed less about Christmas and more about gathering his friends and family and celebrating being together) he’d never heard any stories about them going to church or celebrating any religious holidays, Christian or Jewish. And yet, he knew that David had had a bar mitzvah (or at least he’d heard about the bar mitzvah gift he’d gotten from his father and the subsequent nose job) and David sometimes dropped some Jewish knowledge (like the time he’d told Jake about having kosher wine in the car to get out of participating in the orgy). So, clearly, he’d had some religious upbringing even if he was non-practicing now. 

“Is she…” he started to ask even though he already knew the answer.

“She passed away a little after my bar mitzvah. It’s why Alexis never had hers. Bubba wasn’t there to bully everyone into it,” David replied with a rueful smile. “She was quite the force to be reckoned with. A true match for my mother.”

“Wow,” Patrick said as he ducked his head down and buried his nose in David’s soft hair. “Wish I could have seen that.”

“No, you don’t,” David said as he turned around and draped his arms over Patrick’s shoulders. “Passover dinners were a real nightmare. Worse even than Thanksgiving because my mother couldn’t just drink her wine whenever she wanted.” 

Patrick raised an eyebrow. “What?”

David blinked owlishly at him. “Oh my God. Have you never been to a Passover dinner?” Patrick shook his head, which prompted a loud gasp of horror from David. “That is a travesty!”

“It’s not like there were that many Jewish families around where I grew up, David,” Patrick sighed in consternation. “And even in college there weren’t a lot of Jews around. You and your family are really the first Jews I’ve interacted with, and you guys aren’t that religious.”

“Urgh, you’re making me regret not insisting on some Jewish traditions at our wedding. Stepping on a shot glass and breaking a plate could have been a lot of fun,” David hummed thoughtfully. “Although I’m glad we didn’t do any chair lifting and play the Hava Nagila.”

“Do what now?” Patrick asked more than a little confused.

“You know,” David said waiving a hand in the air as if this were the most basic thing in the world. “That whole thing Jews like to do, meshing joyous and momentous occasions with deeply depressing and tragic symbolism. Half of our holidays are like that.”

“You… Seem to know a lot more about Judaism than I thought you did,” Patrick admitted as David maneuvered them around until he was sitting on Patrick’s lap.

“Well, I did have a bar mitzvah. And sadly, Bubba insisted that I couldn’t have the party unless I did the ceremony. And you can’t just pay off the rabbi, we tried. I had to actually attend religious classes for a year and learn my _parasha_ and then,” David paused and gave a small, dramatic shudder, “sing the whole thing in biblical Hebrew in front of the congregation.”

“You can speak Hebrew?” Patrick asked bewildered. 

David scoffed. “In the way all liberal contemporary Jews speak Hebrew nowadays, poorly and only when reading the transliteration.” 

Patrick smiled at that and wrapped his arms around David’s waist. “When was the last time you celebrated a holiday?”

David hummed thoughtfully, his fingers sliding up to play with the hairs at the nape of Patrick’s neck. “I guess when I was fifteen? Bubba died that summer and she was the only reason we observed any Jewish holidays.”

Patrick nodded and leaned forward to give David a kiss, which turned into two, and then three, and then so many they had to restart the episode after cleaning up in the shower.

*******

“David? What this?” Patrick asked as he walked into their house carrying a large package from California marked Fragile. 

“What’s what? You need to be more specific, Patrick!” David yelled from the kitchen.

Patrick kicked the door shut behind him and made his way to the kitchen where he found David sitting on a stool by their island, a little pink booklet in his hand and a giant plastic container of Maxwell House coffee next to his elbow. Patrick’s eyebrows disappeared to his hairline at the sight of the coffee and, as he heaved the box onto the island, he couldn’t help eyeing the coffee container as if it were a bomb about to explode.

David looked up at the thud of the box hitting the island and his eyes lit up at the sight. “Ooo! It’s here!”

Patrick bit his lip to hide his smile as David practically pounced on the box and started to rip up the packing tape. As David busied himself with opening the box, Patrick focused on the small little pink book he’d left on the island. He reached over and flipped it closed to look at the cover and couldn’t help the small noise of confusion that escaped him. 

_Midge’s Haggadah Passover Seder Service, new 1958 edition_

“David?” he asked as he flipped the book open and slowly realized he was looking at it backwards.

“It’s from right to left,” David said. Patrick looked up to see him looking over, a small smile playing on his lips. “Hebrew is read from right to left, so the books open the other way.”

“Why do you have a… Haggadah? Where did it come from?”

David pointed to the giant Maxwell coffee container. “Maxwell House releases a fun Haggadah every year, and this year they released one in cooperation with The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel,” David explained excitedly. “If you look closely, you can see wine stains in the book! It’s brilliant. And there’s a recipe for Midge’s brisket included with it!”

“Okay,” Patrick said slowly as he flipped through the book and smiled at all the wine stains. “But why do you have it?”

“Oh, well,” David said slowly and Patrick looked over as David pulled out several bottles of wine from the box. “I was just thinking that… Well, I was wondering if maybe… I know I should have probably asked before ordering all these things but…” 

“David,” Patrick interrupted as he put the booklet down and slid over to where David was standing so he could wrap his arms around his waist and rest his hands at the small of his back. “You want to maybe finish a sentence? Why do you have a Passover book from Maxwell House and–” he glanced over and raised his eyebrows as he picked up one of the bottles of wine. “Is this kosher wine? That’s actually a thing?”

David snorted and grabbed the wine bottle from Patrick’s hand and put it back on the counter. “It’s kosher for _Passover_ wine. It’s extra blessed.”

“Are we hosting a Passover dinner I don’t know about?” Patrick asked as he wound his arm back around David’s waist. 

David nodded, his hands coming to rest on the buttons of Patrick’s shirt as he fiddled with them. “I was thinking about our conversation from a few weeks ago about the last time I celebrated a Jewish holiday. It was Passover, the last one. Bubba died in the summer, and the big holiday before the summer is Passover in the spring. And since Passover is in a couple of weeks, I figured we could have some people over and host a dinner. Try to do the whole…” David waved a hand to encompass the book and the wine on the island, “do the whole shebang.”

“You want to do the prayers too?”

David shrugged. “Too much?”

“No,” Patrick said quickly and couldn’t help kissing him. “I think it’s great. Who do you want to invite?”

David hummed. “Stevie, of course, and I could see if Alexis wants to come up.”

“Not your parents?”

David smirked. “I asked them out of courtesy when I asked my dad to find me the wine. My mother, as expected, announced that she would be unable to join us during this ‘most consequential of holidays,’” Patrick could hear the air quotes on those words, “because she has several days of shooting that week and my dad already had meetings scheduled. So instead they sent us several bottles of drinkable kosher wine.” 

Patrick smirked right back. “That’s very nice of them.”

David hummed in agreement. “Yes, very on-brand.” He paused for a second and fiddled with the wine bottle on the counter. “So, for dinner, I was thinking fish.”

“Really?” Patrick asked. “Not brisket? How come?”

“Anne Burrell made this amazing branzino once when I went to visit her and, honestly, the recipes seem really hard to mess up. Plus, one of the traditional dishes for Passover is this really complicated and disgusting fish cake-thing and I figured that this way we can just replace it with actual fish.” 

“You want to make a whole fish? Like, with the head and everything?” Patrick asked surprised.

“Might as well go big and bold,” David shrugged. 

Patrick looked at him skeptically and shrugged. “It’s your holiday.”

“Damn right it is,” David answered as he pulled the bottles out of the box and went to store them on the wine rack.

*******

Patrick absentmindedly reached for the store phone as he rang up Roland’s purchase for the organic applesauce. “Rose Apothecary, Patrick speaking.”

“PATRICK!” Patrick startled at the shout and nearly dropped the phone as Roland’s eyes widened in alarm from across the register. “PATRICK!”

“David? What’s wrong? Where are you?” Patrick asked as he gripped the phone tightly in his hand. Images of car accidents and carjacking flashed in his mind, and he’d just started to go around the register when another very familiar female voice started shouting in the background.

“Oh my _God_ , David! Stop yelling!” 

Patrick stopped in his tracks and had to fight off Roland’s hand that had reached out to grab the phone. He listened to some muffled yelling on the other end of the line as he leaned back away from Roland’s grabby hands but the most distinct words he could hear were an increasingly loud series of _“ew, David!”_ and _“Stop that, David!”_

“Is that Alexis?” he shouted hoping that either Rose sibling would be able to hear him over what sounded like some epic bickering. She wasn’t supposed to get in until tomorrow.

“You stop that!” David shouted away from the phone. “Patrick, the car broke down!” 

“The car– David, where are you? And what are you doing with Alexis?”

“She texted me after you’d left saying she was coming early, and I figured since I needed to go to Elmdale to get the groceries, I might as well go get her and drag her with me.”

“I did _not_ agree to this, _David_!” Alexis complained loud enough for Patrick to hear her very clearly. “ _DA VID_! It’s going to stink up all my clothes!”

“Have you called Bob?” Patrick asked.

“Of course I called Bob,” David replied indignantly. “Did you think I’d just, what? Waste time calling you so you could call him for me? You don’t even know where we are.”

“Ask him where he is and I can swing by to get him,” Roland said as he poked Patrick in the bicep to get his attention. “Dave, where are you?” Roland shouted and Patrick waved him away and turned his back to him. Roland started to make his way around the counter to see him more clearly.

“Well then why are you calling me if you’ve already called Bob? What do you think–”

“ _What do I do with the fish?!_ ” David interrupted him in a breathy, panicky voice that was easily two octaves higher than usual. 

“Fish? What fish?” Patrick asked bewildered.

“The fish for Passover, Patrick! What other fish would I have picked up the day before the dinner?” 

Before Patrick could answer, David shouted something incoherent and then the sounds of a scuffle filtered through the line. He could hear both Rose siblings yelling at each other and then a high-pitched voice shouting _“Hah!”_ He already knew who’d won that fight for the phone.

“Hi Alexis,” he said before she could say anything.

“Button! In the name of all that is good and holy please tell us how to salvage this fish. The smell is already stinking up the car and it’s only a matter of time before it ruins my Louis Vuitton!” Alexis replied, the desperation in her voice as clear as a cloudless day.

“That’s what you’re worried about?” David shouted in the background. “How about you worry about what I’m going to make for dinner instead of your clothes that can be dry cleaned!”

“Tell them to crank up the AC in the car,” Roland suggested. But before Patrick could say anything, Roland stepped up right next to him, grabbed this hand holding the phone and pulled it away from his ear so he could shout into the microphone, “Crank up the AC to keep the air cold!”

“ _Ew_!” Alexis’s tiny voice shouted back. “I’m not going to stay inside the car with this fish! That’s disgusting! _Da-vid!_ ”

“If the air is cold enough it shouldn’t stink at all,” Roland shouted back as Patrick forcibly pulled his hand and the phone away from him. At the same time, he heard David saying, “Well then get out of the car!”

“Tell Roland that’d be great advice _if the car were working_!” David yelled so loudly that Patrick and Roland could both hear him with the phone halfway between them. “Now, do either of you have any other brilliant ideas to share with the class?”

Patrick gingerly brought the phone back up toward his ear but kept it away from it just in case David started yelling again. “You’ll want to keep it cold. Keep it somewhere away from the sun.”

“The trunk,” Roland suggested.

“But won’t it get hot in the trunk?” David questioned.

“Do you have anything to keep it insulated? Like foil or– Oh!” Patrick snapped his fingers in his excitement. “Are you wearing your winter jacket?”

 _“PATRICK ROSE-BREWER YOU ARE NOT SUGGESTING I WRAP THIS FISH IN MY JACKET!”_

Patrick was not nearly fast enough in pulling the phone away from his ear at David’s screech and for a few frightening seconds the ringing in his ear rose to such a fervent pitch that he feared he’d go permanently deaf. He switched the phone to his other side and from the corner of his eye he saw Roland wince in sympathy. He could hear Alexis in the background squawking and yelling for David to leave her coat alone and he cursed himself for letting his mouth get ahead of his brain.

“Die in an avalanche!” David replied to his sister as she huffed in frustration.

“David?” Patrick asked tentatively.

“Are you going to help or are you just going to suggest another _incorrect solution_?” David asked acidly. 

“Um,” Patrick hesitated.

“Ronnie says to wrap the fish in a plastic bag, wrap that bag in another bag and inflate the outer bag so it… creates an air barrier?” Roland said as he looked down at his phone, his voice clearly rising to a question as he finished reading Ronnie’s text. “She also said she saw Bob’s tow truck heading out of town a few minutes ago so he should be there soon.” 

Patrick stared at Roland in surprise. “When did you text Ronnie?”

“As soon as Dave called,” Roland shrugged. “I told her she was missing out on all the fun, but she said she’s working.”

Patrick shook his head and focused his attention back on the phone in his hand. “Did you hear that David?”

There was the unmistakable sound of rustling over the line and Alexis grumbling out “Oh, yuck! It’s all wet!” Followed by David’s acerbic reply, “It’s a _fish_ , Alexis. What else would it be?” There was more rustling, the sound of someone blowing, and finally that of a trunk being slammed shut.

“Do you have any hand sanitizer,” David asked?

“Check the middle console,” Patrick replied automatically, forgetting for a second that he wasn’t actually with David by their broken-down car trying to stop dinner from spoiling while they waited for Bob to show up.

“Thanks, babe,” David replied, and Patrick could hear Alexis gagging in the background. “Oh, shut up, Alexis. You and Ted were so much worse.”

“Your hands smell like fish,” she replied, the disgust clear in her voice.

“Get trampled,” David bit back. Patrick smirked at Alexis’s loud “ _Urgh_!”

“You bagged it and put it in the trunk?” Patrick asked even though he already knew the answer.

“Hmmm, do we really want to say it like that? You make it sound like I just committed murder and I’m disposing of the body,” David answered and Patrick snorted. “But yes, the fish has been put in the trunk and wrapped as per Ronnie’s instructions. I just hope– Oh! Bob’s here. Hopefully I’ll be home soon.”

“Tell him to put the fish in the trunk,” Roland suggested as he elbowed Patrick and made a grab for the phone. “Dave!”

“Okay, bye Patrick, I love you,” David said quickly and hung up just as Roland got his hands on the phone. 

“Okay, Roland,” Patrick grunted as he pushed Roland away. “Please, take your applesauce and go,” Patrick pleaded as he forced Roland out from behind the counter and pushed the jar of applesauce toward him. 

“Thanks, Pat. I’ll just swing by Bob’s and see how Dave is doing. See if I can help with the car,” Roland replied as he grabbed the jar and left the store before Patrick could say anything else. 

*******

David stared at the table in front of him and had to bite his lips to stop himself from smiling. It had taken several hours but everything was set. Dinner and soup plates, water and wine glasses, candles, and in the middle of the table the seder plate with the covered matzah next to it. He felt a pair of arms wrap around his waist from behind and leaned back into the body as he continued to run a critical eye around the dining room. 

“It looks beautiful,” Patrick complimented him as he kissed his neck.

“Hmm,” David nodded in agreement. “Stevie and Alexis should be here soon. And we should get started right away because I’m already hungry and the prayer part will take, like, at least 40 minutes.”

Patrick was about to reply when the sound of the door opening and Alexis’s distinctive light tapping distracted him. He let go of David to go greet their guests while David detoured to the kitchen to turn on the stove to let the soup simmer while they got through the first part of the seder. He was only saddened that he hadn’t been able to find a deli or a store that made matzo ball soup. He’d briefly entertained the idea of trying to make it himself, but he’d taken one look at the recipe and decided that maybe he wasn’t quite ready to try that yet. Maybe next year after he’d had some more practice in the kitchen. The fish was all dressed and ready to go in the oven so it would be cooked when they were ready for dinner. He’d gone with a recipe from Anne Burrell that seemed close enough to the one she’d made when he’d visited (and, although he would never admit it, he was too intimidated to try and recreate his Bubba’s brisket. He’d rather fail with a fish than desecrate that memory. Also, Anne Burrell really had made one mean, delicious fish that day).

“David!” Alexis exclaimed as she looked at the set table. “It looks beautiful!” 

“Of course it does, Alexis,” David scoffed. But then he smiled softly and added, “Thanks, Alexis.”

She leaned over and smiled softly at the seder plate filled with all its ingredients. “Where did you get this?”

“Dad sent it to me. Something about being proud that I was continuing the family tradition.” David shrugged. “I didn’t have the heart to tell him that this might be a one-time thing depending on how today goes.”

“So how long before we can eat?” Stevie asked as she plopped herself on a chair and reached for the wine bottle.

“Bup-bup-bup!” David exclaimed and batted her hand away from it. “Passover is first and foremost a drinking game.” Stevie raised an eyebrow. “You will only drink when I tell you to drink.”

“What?” she exclaimed with disdain.

“Until dinner. Then you can drink as much as you want. But before and after dinner there are very specific times to drink and you will _not drink_ until I tell you that you may.” David waited out while she huffed and crossed her arms and practically flung herself back into the chair before she nodded her acquiescence. “Great, let’s get started!”

David sat down and picked up his Mrs. Maisel pink Haggadah he’d set near his plate and started introducing the symbolic items on the Seder plate: the charoset, horseradish, lettuce, celery, hard-boiled egg, and a roasted shankbone. He moved on to the _kiddush_ , and as he stumbled his way through the Hebrew, he felt Patrick’s hand on his thigh, squeezing it in encouragement. He lifted his cup of wine and glared at Stevie as she went to take a sip of hers and pursed his lips as she rolled her eyes at him but pulled the cup away from her mouth. Halfway through the prayer, he cried out “Oh, forget it!” and switched to English, kicking Alexis under the table as she bit her lips to hold back her snickering. When he finally instructed the table to drink the first cup of wine, he snorted as Stevie downed her cup in one go before reaching out to refill it. 

The first fight broke out almost immediately.

“Okay, Alexis. Your turn,” David instructed as he waved at her.

Alexis startled back, her large earrings swaying with the movement. “Um, excuse me? My turn for what?”

“You’re the youngest. You have to sing the song.”

“Nuh-huh. No one told me I had to sing anything. I’m not doing it.”

“Alexis.”’

“David.”

“A-le- _xis_.”

“Da- _vid _!”__

__“Alexis, just sing the stupid song!”_ _

__“I don’t _know_ the stupid song, David!” Alexis finally admitted, her hands waving around her head anxiously. “The last time we had a Passover dinner I was, like, _twelve_ and I barely paid attention. And Bubba sang all the songs anyway because I couldn’t pronounce the Hebrew!” _ _

__Patrick placed his hand over David’s forearm and squeezed gently in an attempt to stop David from spiraling. “Why don’t you just play it on YouTube?” he suggested._ _

__“What? I’m not going to play it on YouTube! The youngest person is supposed to sing it!”_ _

__“Hey, David,” Patrick whispered as he leaned over just as Alexis let out a growl of frustration. “Remember my mountaineering boots?”_ _

__David startled at the question and glanced over at Patrick who winked at him. “Fine,” he grumbled as he rolled his eyes. “We’ll just… find it on YouTube.”_ _

__With that crisis averted, they reached the part of the four children and David grinned mischievously. First, he asked Patrick to read the section for the wise child and laughed at Alexis’s annoyed _“Ugh, David!”_ when he asked her to read the part for the wicked child. Stevie merely shrugged and grinned as she read the paragraph for the simple child, only commenting with “Good choice,” as she absentmindedly reached for her glass of wine. David promptly slapped her hand and she glared at him. He read the part for the child who didn’t know what to ask and moved on to the next sections, slapping Stevie’s wandering hands occasionally when she reached for her glass of wine._ _

__“This next part is for the 10 plagues,” he said as he flipped ahead slightly. “I’m going to read them and for every plague, you need to dip your knife into the wine and pace a drop on the plate.”_ _

__“Oh, I remember this,” Alexis said excitedly. “I’m pretty sure Bubba used to dip her finger.”_ _

__“No,” David said sternly. “Incorrect. That’s extremely unsanitary and just gross. We are dipping our knives.”_ _

__“That’s not authentic, David.”_ _

__“Get lice,” David retorted and cackled as Alexis screeched _“Ew, David, that’s not funny!”_ _ _

__After reading the explanation of the plagues, David paused for a second before mumbling “I think we better skip this song.”_ _

__“YouTube!” Stevie and Alexis nearly screamed in unison as Alexis snagged the book from David’s hand to see what song was next. _“Dayenu!”_ _ _

__“No!” David said as he took it back, but it was too late._ _

__Stevie had already pulled up the song and started playing it, and she and Alexis butchered the lyrics as they tried to sing along to the transliteration on the screen. David groaned and buried his face in his hands. Patrick patted him on the back even as he leaned over David to see the screen and try to sing along. As soon as the song was done, David snatched Stevie’s phone from her hands and put it in his pocket, slapping her wrist on the way as she absentmindedly reached for her wine._ _

__“Oh, _come on!_ ” she complained but David pointedly ignored her as he continued with the seder. _ _

__After several more pages and one more slap to Stevie’s hand when she almost drank the second cup of wine before she was supposed to, which resulted in a brief shin-kicking war under the table, it was finally time for the last hurdle before dinner. David dumped as much charoset and horseradish onto his matzah as he could and stuffed the Hillel sandwich into his mouth, making pleased little noises as he munched it._ _

__“This is really good,” Stevie said as she started to reach for another piece of matzah and the charoset, pausing briefly to make sure David wouldn’t slap her away from it._ _

__“It’s the only thing that makes matzah tolerable. Except for maybe matza brei. And I guess chocolate matza,” David mused as he made himself another sandwich before standing. “Time for dinner!”_ _

__“I’ll check the fish while you get the soup,” Patrick said, running his fingers down David’s arm as he made his way to the kitchen._ _

__David stood a bit to one side of the oven as he turned off the stove so Patrick could open the door to take out the fish. David was stirring the soup, humming _Dayenu_ absentmindedly under his breath, when Patrick’s small displeased noise broke his concentration. He looked over Patrick’s shoulder at the fish and frowned. _ _

__“That doesn’t look cooked.”_ _

__“It’s not,” Patrick replied as he pulled back the open slit along the fish’s belly to check the meat. “It’s still almost completely raw.”_ _

__“What?” David nearly shrieked as he tried to peer closer at the fish. “But… How? I did what the fishmonger told me to do!”_ _

__“And what exactly did he tell you?”_ _

__“He told me to put it in at 180 degrees for 30 minutes.”_ _

__“Celsius?”_ _

__“Yes, Patrick! Celsius! I’m not an imbecile!” David snapped as he waved his hands at the fish. “I asked him multiple times if he was sure because, I mean, have you seen the size of this fish?”_ _

__“It is a pretty big fish,” Patrick agreed. “Ok, well, we can just leave it in while we eat the soup. Hopefully, it’ll be ready in another 30 minutes.”_ _

__David sighed but nodded his head. What else could they do? He let Patrick deal with the fish while he went back to ladling the soup and bringing the bowls out one at a time._ _

__“No matzo ball, David?” Alexis questioned, her nose scrunching up in disappointment._ _

__“Feel free to bring some from a New York deli next time,” he sniped._ _

__“Oh, David!” she exclaimed, and David braced himself as her smile stretched. “There’s this amazing little deli near me that has the _best_ matzo ball soup! I’ll definitely bring a big bowl of it for next year.”_ _

__David knew what he should say to that. He knew he should say that it was very presumptuous of her to assume there would be a next year, that this was a one-time thing, that she shouldn’t expect to be invited over for Passover every year. But as he looked at their table with the candles, the covered matza, and the seder plate, he couldn’t help swallowing back the ball of emotion that formed in his throat. He hadn’t even realized he’d missed doing this. He cleared his throat softly and tried to make his sniff sound like one of disdain. But, based on the look Alexis was giving him, he was pretty sure he’d failed._ _

__“Well, I’ll hold you to that then,” he said once he was sure his voice wouldn’t crack. “You won’t be allowed in next year unless you’ve got enough matzo ball soup for the four of us.”_ _

__“Sure, David,” Alexis replied, blinking both eyes and tapping the table with her right index finger. “Now, let’s try this non-Jewish deli soup so we can compare it to the one I’ll bring over next year.”_ _

__The soup was decent. It was a simple chicken soup, with shredded chicken and vegetables, and no noodle in deference to it being Passover. Just something to hold them over until the fish was ready in another 30 minutes. David and Alexis teased each other endlessly, and occasionally ganged up on Stevie and the Rosebud Motel Group while Patrick freely dropped sarcastic bombs all over the conversation. When everyone was finished, David cleared the plates while Patrick went to check on the fish._ _

__“Stop eating Hillel sandwiches,” he berated Alexis as she reached for more matza and the charoset. “You’ll be too full for the fish.”_ _

__“Don’t worry, David. I’ll leave plenty of room for your fish,” she placated him as she popped another piece of matza in her mouth. “Chop chop, Chef,” she clapped her hands and made a shooing motion toward the kitchen._ _

__“Jump off a bridge,” David snarked back as he pivoted away from her and marched toward the kitchen. “Please tell me the fish is ready,” he pleaded as he dumped the bowls in the sink to be rinsed out later._ _

__Patrick looked up at him grimly and David felt his blood run cold. “Do you want–”_ _

__“I only want good news,” David interrupted._ _

__“It looks more cooked.”_ _

__“Oh my God.”_ _

__“It’ll be fine. Maybe if we took out the foil and cranked up the oven it might be done in another… Twenty minutes…?” Patrick grimaced._ _

__David’s mouth fell open. “Oh. My. _GOD!_ ” _ _

__“David.”_ _

__“PATRICK!”_ _

__“David, breathe. It’s fine. We’ve got plenty of food to hold us over for another twenty minutes,” Patrick tried to soothe him._ _

__“We most certainly _do not_ , Patrick! Alexis is eating through the matza and charoset like she’s a sixteen-year-old with a tapeworm!”_ _

__Patrick couldn’t have stopped the snort if he’d tried. “Listen, I promise it’s fine. Another 30 minutes–”_ _

__“ _Thirty?_ You said twenty a minute ago!” _ _

__“Look, I’m taking the foil off and putting it back in the oven, turning up the temperature, and we’ll check it again in twenty minutes. If it needs more time, we’ll check again in another ten minutes. It’ll be–”_ _

__“If you say fine one more time…” David threatened as he picked up the closest thing to him, one of the dirty soup spoons, and brandished it toward Patrick’s face. “I will smack you in the ass.”_ _

__Patrick grinned lecherously. “Kinky.”_ _

__“Will you two stop making out in the kitchen and bring out the food? I’m hungry!” Stevie shouted from the dining room. “And bring more of the sweet paste thingy that I can’t pronounce! Alexis finished it all!”_ _

__“Don’t sell me out, Stevie!”_ _

__“Tapeworm,” David huffed as he put the spoon back in the sink and grabbed the extra bowl of charoset from the fridge. “The fish isn’t ready yet,” he told the girls as he set the bowl on the table. “But at least we’ve got matza and ‘sweet paste thingy’ as Stevie called it to hold us over.”_ _

__“And there’s always more soup to go with the wine,” Patrick said as he refilled his glass of wine._ _

__“Yes, plenty of wine,” David agreed as Patrick refilled his glass too._ _

__“How is the fish not ready?” Alexis questioned. “You said it would take thirty minutes.”_ _

__“The fishmonger told me it would take thirty minutes. Clearly he had no idea what he was talking about.”_ _

__“Didn’t you ask anyone else?” Alexis prodded as she reached for more charoset._ _

__“The internet was… not very helpful,” David admitted. “Most recipes I found were for smaller fish.”_ _

__“Smaller…? Exactly how big is this fish?” Stevie asked as she gulped down her wine._ _

__“Urgh, you don’t want to know,” Alexis groused. “And count yourself lucky that you weren’t stuck in the middle nowhere in a broken-down car with it.”_ _

__“Oh my God, Alexis. Shut up.”_ _

__“You shut up, David. It was disgusting.”_ _

__“It wasn’t even that bad.”_ _

__“Oh, so it wasn’t your face that turned all purple-ly when Patrick told you to wrap the fish in your winter jacket?” Alexis questioned as she tapped her index finger on the table for emphasis._ _

__Stevie snorted and raised an eyebrow at Patrick. “And somehow you’re still alive?”_ _

__“I had the benefit of being several miles away at the time,” Patrick grinned._ _

__“Hmm, is it time to check on the fish yet?” David asked as he refilled his glass of wine and made himself another Hillel sandwich._ _

__“It better be, David, because at this rate we’re going to manage the unthinkable,” Alexis said as she peered into the box of matza and tipped it sideways to show her brother the last unbroken piece. “We’re about to run out.”_ _

__David gaped at the box and then turned pleading eyes at his husband._ _

__“All right, all right! I’ll go check,” Patrick said placatingly as he made his way back to the kitchen, David hot on his heels._ _

__“This is _serious_ , Patrick! Jews don’t just… _run out of matza_! It’s the single most disgusting food in our culinary repertoire. It _literally_ tastes like cardboard.”_ _

__Patrick bit his lip in an effort to try and hide his smile. “Maybe that’s a testament to how good the… sweet paste thingy is,” he said in a bid to distract David as he put on the oven mitts._ _

__“Um, no, it is _not_. It’s a testament to how hungry we all are,” David crossed his arms and Patrick was sure that if he were a bird, he would have puffed up in indignation. “Please tell me it’s ready,” he pleaded as he tried to peer into the oven over Patrick’s shoulder._ _

__“David. How about you give me some space so neither of us burn ourselves on the hot oven?” Patrick admonished as he pulled out the heavy Pyrex out of the oven._ _

__He set it down on the stove top and closed the oven door with his foot. Using the fork sitting by the stove, he pulled the slit on the fish’s belly aside and watched as the white meat flaked off, all of it looking opaque and tender. He turned his head to look at David, who was standing several feet behind him, his left hand anxiously twisting his gold rings around his fingers._ _

__“David, it’s fi–”_ _

__“Do not even!”_ _

__Patrick laughed as he sighed and shook his head. “Look, it’s ready. See?” He raked off some more of the meat. “How about you go grab everyone’s plates so we can dish this out?”_ _

__David nodded once before disappearing out the door. Patrick took out his phone while he was gone and snapped a picture so send to Johnny later. Between the two of them, Patrick and David returned to the dining room with plates piled high with fish and roasted vegetables. Alexis cautiously poked at her fish, but Stevie wasted no time taking big bite out of hers. David and Alexis watched her anxiously as she startled back and her eyes widened._ _

__“Oh my God, David!” Stevie mumbled, her mouth still full of fish._ _

__“What?” David asked nervously._ _

__“Is it disgusting? I knew it couldn’t have survived the car debacle,” Alexis said as she brought her piece of fish to her nose and sniffed it._ _

__“This is good.” David blinked at Stevie, surprised. “This is _really_ good.” She turned to Patrick then. “Did you actually make this and David is just claiming the credit?”_ _

__Patrick laughed. “No. He prepped it and I just put it in the oven and babysat it.”_ _

__“You should put him in charge of cooking more often. No offense,” she said as she took another big bite._ _

__Alexis hummed thoughtfully at that and took a tiny bite from the fish on her fork, chewing it thoughtfully. “Huh. It’s really not that bad?”_ _

__“Die in a fire, Alexis,” David said as he dug into the meal. “I’m perfectly capable of cooking. I’ll remind you that mom and I made a perfectly respectable enchilada.”_ _

__“You did?” Patrick asked with surprise._ _

__“I mean, I don’t know that you want to compare that thing to this. That was barely edible, David, but this…” Alexis took a bigger bite of her fish. “This is actually, like, really good,” Alexis replied, emphasizing her point by waiving her limp wrists around her plate._ _

__“Oh,” David said softly as he deflated a little. “That’s… Thank you.”_ _

__“You’re welcome,” Alexis smiled as she tapped the table with her index finger and shimmied her shoulders._ _

__As good as everyone thought the fish was, no one went back for seconds. David tried to pretend to be disappointed, but he grinned stupidly as Stevie groaned loudly and clutched her stomach, bemoaning her decision to have eaten so much matza and charoset before dinner. He didn’t even bother to hide his smirk when he brought out the flourless chocolate cake and set it on the table._ _

__“Oh God, I feel like a beached whale,” Stevie moaned even as she accepted a slice of cake._ _

__“Good,” David said as he took a bite of his cake and closed his eyes blissfully, uncaring of Patrick’s heated gaze on him and his sister’s knowing smirk. “It means I did something right.”_ _

__“Truth,” Alexis agreed. “If there’s one thing Bubba taught us, it’s that it’s not a true Jewish meal unless your stomach is about to explode.”_ _

__“And we have leftovers for tomorrow,” David grinned as he took another bite of the decadent cake from his favorite bakery in Elmdale._ _

__He waited until he thought everyone had eaten as much cake as they could before grabbing the Mrs. Maisel Haggadah from where he’d set it before dinner and flipping it open to where they’d left off._ _

__“There’s more?” Stevie cried out incredulously._ _

__“There’s two more cups of wine to drink,” David informed her imperiously and hid his smile behind the book when she groaned and nearly rolled off the chair._ _

__David breezed through the service to the third cup of wine and stopped. He looked up suddenly and started scanning the table, clearly looking for something._ _

__“David?” Patrick asked as he put a hand on his back._ _

__David tipped his head back and groaned, clearly annoyed. Wordlessly, he pushed himself up and marched toward the kitchen. Alexis looked around the table, frowning, and just as David walked through the door her frown cleared and she shouted gleefully, “Elijah! You forgot his cup! Honestly David, that’s the most important part.”_ _

__“It really isn’t.”_ _

__“Of course it is. It’s like setting out cookies for Santa, but classier.”_ _

__“I think you mean boozier,” Stevie corrected as she topped off her glass of wine and raised her hands up to show David she’d learned her lesson and wouldn’t be trying to drink it._ _

__David glared at the two of them and wordless filled up the cup and set it on the table._ _

__“Don’t forget to open the door,” Alexis said gleefully._ _

__“Wow, it really is like inviting in a drunk Santa,” Patrick murmured as David made incoherent sound of frustration and stomped his way to the back door to fling it open._ _

__“Happy? Can we finish this now? I think I’ve had enough of the two of you for the night,” David griped._ _

__“More wine!” Stevie shouted and David had to slap her hand away as she reached for her glass._ _

__Finally, after several more pages and one last cup of wine, David read the last lines of the Haggadah and then turned the full effect of his glare on Alexis before she could even _think_ about suggesting to find the goddamn Goat song on YouTube. Clearly, he hadn’t lost his big brother touch because she immediately reared back and closed her mouth with an audible click of her teeth. _ _

__“So, what happens to this cup?” Stevie asked as she eyed Elijah’s cup._ _

__“We leave it out for Santa to drink,” Alexis smirked._ _

__“Do all Jewish holidays involve this much drinking?” Stevie asked as she shook the bottle of wine and frowned when she noticed it was empty._ _

__“Yes,” David and Alexis both said simultaneously. “Some more than others,” David clarified._ _

__“We should celebrate more Jewish holidays,” Stevie grinned._ _

__“Like you need an excuse to drink more wine,” David grumbled as he started to gather the plates from the table to take them into the kitchen._ _

__“What’s the next big one?” Patrick asked as he gathered the empty bottles of wine._ _

__David hummed as he thought about it. “I guess Rosh Hashanah? New year.”_ _

__“Does it involve strict drinking rules too?”_ _

__“No, you’ll be able to drink whenever you want during that one,” David reassured her with a grin._ _

__“Oh!” Alexis exclaimed, snapping her fingers. “Apples and honey, right?” David nodded. “Oh yay, David! We could make honey cake and dip it in whiskey like Bubba used to do!” she said as she clapped her hands excitedly._ _

__“How do you remember that?” David asked. “Wait, no, don’t answer that.”_ _

__“She let me dip my cake into her whiskey,” Alexis said with a smile. “First time I ever had whiskey. I miss Bubba sometimes.”_ _

__David huffed but he couldn’t help his smile. “Yeah, me too. Now get off your drunk ass and help me clear the table.”_ _

__Alexis and Stevie both groaned at that and dramatically clutched their stomachs, complaining that they were too full and too drunk to help. David threw a piece of matza at Alexis but didn’t force her to get up. As he worked in silence rinsing the plates and placing them in the dishwasher, Patrick put the leftovers in several Tupperware and placed them in the fridge. He could hear Alexis and Stevie talking in the dining room, but he couldn’t make out what they were saying. And he realized he didn’t really care. He felt really happy and content, basking in the glow of an overall fairly successful dinner. He hummed appreciatively as strong warms wrapped around his middle and leaned back into Patrick’s chest, tilting his head to the side so Patrick could kiss his neck softly._ _

__“This worked out pretty well.”_ _

__David hummed his agreement._ _

__“You look happy.”_ _

__“I am happy. This was… Thank you.”_ _

__Patrick pulled back a little bit so he could lean over David’s shoulder to look him in the eyes. “What are you thanking me for?”_ _

__“This was your idea. When we were watching The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, you asked me when I had last celebrated a Jewish holiday. It hadn’t occurred to me how much I’d missed this. Christmas celebrations are fun too, but this… I don’t know. There’s just something special about it, even if the amount of wine we’ve drunk is essentially on par.”_ _

__Patrick slotted himself back along David again and tightened his arms around his waist. He was quiet for a bit, swaying the two of them to the beat of a silent song. “I think… I think that maybe it’s the tradition? Gathering all the people you love together and following a script. There’s something, I don’t know, calming, maybe, about doing something you know that your grandmother and her mother and her mother used to do before you, and that they’ve passed on to you. It’s something you share with all your ancestors. This night. This story.”_ _

__David tried to swallow the lump in his throat and blink his tears away. “I don’t know how you manage to put into the words the things I’m feeling,” he sniffed softly._ _

__Patrick grinned. “It’s a gift. Now come on, we can finish this later. We need to drive your sister and Stevie back to the motel before they pass out on our couch.”_ _

__“ _Daaaavid_ ,” Alexis whined from the living room right on cue. _ _

__David sighed dramatically as he shut the water off and dried his hands. He followed Patrick into the living room and bit his lips to keep his smile hidden. Alexis and Stevie were both sprawled over the couch, legs and arms practically entangled as they tried to keep each other up._ _

__“I’m disappointed in you two. You used to be able to hold your liquor much better.”_ _

__“Shut up, old man,” Stevie groused as she waved a hand in front of her and made a grabby gesture at David. “Help me up.”_ _

__“You take that back!” David yelled even as he grabbed Stevie’s wandering hand and pulled her up. “At least I can still hold my booze.”_ _

__“Psshh!” Stevie replied, nearly smacking David in the face as she tried to wave his words away._ _

__“David,” Alexis said, her voice serious and her eyebrows pulled down in a frown, as Patrick helped her up. “David.”_ _

__“What is it, Alexis?”_ _

__“Where are my latkas?” she asked as she looked around. “Do we have any leftover latkas?”_ _

__“The fuck? That’s entirely the wrong holiday, Alexis!”_ _

__“But David,” she whined petulantly. “I want _latkas_!”_ _

__“Then you can get some for yourself when you get back to New York.”_ _

__“I bet the Jewish deli has great latkas,” Alexis agreed as she let herself be ushered to the door. Just as Patrick was leading her across the threshold, she put her hands against the doorframe and stopped their momentum. “David.”_ _

__“Oh my God, Alexis. Since when are you a serious and starving drunk?”_ _

__“David, promise me you’ll have a Channukah party and make latkas.”_ _

__“I will promise no such thing.”_ _

__“Promise me, David. I want to celebrate Channukah and you already have applesauce at your store. All you’d need are the latkas. I promise I’ll bring the wine.”_ _

__“Wine!” Stevie exclaimed excitedly. “I like this idea! I have no idea what la– lak – lakais are, but if they’re as good as the sweet pasty thing, then I am down for them!”_ _

__Alexis surged forward and gripped Stevie’s arms in her hands tightly. “They’re fried potato pancakes and they’re _so good_!” _ _

__“I like potatoes. David!” Stevie whined._ _

__“David!” Alexis echoed._ _

__“How is this my life?” David yelled as he shoved both Stevie and Alexis out the door. “Patrick, if you love me, you will take them to the motel by yourself while I finish cleaning.”_ _

__“Yes, dear,” Patrick grinned as he led both girls to the backseat of his car._ _

__“Next year in Jerusalem, David!” Alexis yelled._ _

__“First-class tickets only, Alexis!” David yelled back just as Patrick closed the door on her._ _

__David watched silently as Patrick backed out of the driveway. He watched until the car was out of sight and only then he let himself relax. He thought about cold November and December nights, chocolate coins, and fried, crispy potato pancakes with applesauce. He thought about lighting one more candle every night and watching them burn down as the chanukiah sat perched on a window ledge. He thought about his Bubba telling them the story of the miracle of lights._ _

__He turned around and closed the door behind him as he reached for his phone and started browsing Etsy for chanukiahs. He could probably learn how to make latkas without burning down the house._ _

__Maybe it was time for him to start his own traditions._ _

**Author's Note:**

> I’m sorry if you like gefilte fish. My mother never made it from scratch, and I grew up eating the canned ones, which are just slimy and gross. I have been told by a reputable source (you know who you are) that homemade ones are delicious. Maybe one day I’ll get to try one.
> 
> The fish failing to cook on time is perhaps my biggest cooking fail of all times. It took 1.5 hours for the fish to cook despite what the fishmonger and my mother told me. The fish was 7.5lbs (3.4kgs) and I asked several times if they were sure that it would only take 30 minutes and they told me yes repeatedly. LIES! ALL LIES! We all gorged on matza and charoset waiting for the fish. 
> 
> Alexis looking up the songs on YouTube is inspired by my mother getting her hands on a Passover CD one year and refusing to skip any of the songs and insisting on playing them all the way through. Seder that year took 2.5 hours (ours usually clocked at 40 minutes). My brothers and I threw out the CD while she wasn’t looking so we’d never have to go through that again. The car breaking down in the middle of nowhere and having to save the fish from going bad was inspired by a friend’s story.
> 
> I am the youngest in my family. To this day, I have a love-hate relationship with the Ma Nishtana. :P
> 
> Please feel free to share any fun Passover fails in the comments!


End file.
